Patterns of Dating Abuse

Studies show that abuse occurs in a distinct pattern that is repeated over and over again.  First there’s tension building, then the explosion and finally the honeymoon period.  Each phase can be as short as a few seconds or as long as several years.

Phase 1: Tension Building – Things start to get tense between two people.

            Argue a lot

            Abuser yells for no reason

            False accusations

During this stage you feel like you can’t do anything right; you’re walking on eggshells all the time.  At any moment he can explode.  Sometimes you might even change your routine just not to agitate him but most of the time it doesn’t work. 

Phase 2: Explosion – The tension is release in a burst of physical, sexual and/or verbal/emotional abuse.

            Screaming/Yelling (abusing you emotionally)

            Hitting, pushing, kicking you, throwing objects at you (abusing you physically)

            Threatening you with words or weapons

            Rape (Sexually abusing you) sometimes the abuser gets a thrill at    seeing  you so vulnerable (that’s a turn on for him and he gets a sexual high).  If you say “NO” and it continues then its Rape even if he is your boyfriend!   

Sometimes it can end right here and never get to Phase 3 then, that’s when it becomes deadly.

Phase 3: Honeymoon – He tries to make you stay in the relationship by apologizing or buying materialistic things.

            Apologizes and says that it’ll never happen again

            Says he loves you

            Buys flowers, clothes or jewelry

            Shifts the blame on you to make you believe that it was your fault that you made him do it

            Blames on the use of alcohol or drugs

During this stage your abuser will tell you everything you want to hear he’ll hug and kiss you and tell you how much you mean to him and that he can’t lose you and that it’ll never happen again, so you forgive him and go on with your life until it happens again.  This is a repeated cycle that gets worse over time and more violent.  Some people may never experience the honeymoon stage and that’s because the abuser has no remorse for what he has done.  Then it makes you wonder what his childhood was like maybe, this is a cycle for him he could have experienced this as a child with his parents or another girlfriend.